Last Day

It's so hard to comprehend that my high school career will be really over tomorrow at 10:45 AM. Four long, and sometimes seemingly endless, years are coming to a close. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I mean obviously I am quite excited to get out of that hell disguised as a building. However, that excitement comes with a certain measure of uncertainty that I just can't adequately describe. My whole life is changing and it's never going to be the same. It seems like the only thing in my life that has ever been constant in my life. Even the people in my life never remained truly constant. Although I sometimes couldn't stand school, it was still a safe place to go, despite the sometimes dangerous situations that the other 'kids' at school created.

Regardless of that, it was a place that I knew would always be there. Once the clock hits 10:45 AM tomorrow though, I won't have that. Nothing will be constant in my life and it's a very frightening prospect. My entire adult life is looming before me and I'm not ashamed to say that I am scared to death. Regardless of my fears though, I still have to face them and move forward. I survived eighteen years with the family I have and I'm certainly not going to end it all now. Hell, just thinking about the last eighteen years makes me want to flash forward a couple of years, just to be far enough away from my childhood.

Regardless of how much I write, regardless of how afraid I am for the future, regardless of the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that says something is wrong, tomorrow will still come just as fast as if I didn't have any of that. I just have to accept that and move forward with my head held high, all of those fears and feelings locked away safely in the back of my head.

Birthday Musings

Eighteen is supposed to be one of those milestones in life where everything changes. Sometimes things get better and sometimes they get worse. I've never heard anyone say, "Oh. I turned eighteen and nothing changed." Does that make me abnormal? Things are exactly the same, but the way I feel is slightly changed. I somehow feel different. Perhaps it's all the hype that goes along with the big one-eight. Maybe that' what's different. Maybe it's a distorted sense of disappointment that has me in it's grasp. Will I ever find out for sure? Probably not.

Perhaps maybe that isn't a bad thing though. Maybe it's just one of those things in life that we aren't supposed to know. I know plenty of people that say we are well on our way to knowing all of the secrets of the universe. I'm not so sure that it's even possible, and if it is, if it's really a good thing. As humans we think we are the biggest thing to ever hit this galaxy. The truth is, if you really stop to think about it, we are the most insignificant things in this universe. As far as we know, the universe is endless. If you think about how big an atom is to us, that's about how big our planet is in the grand scheme of things. It's enough to make a person feel pretty....well, insignificant.

Hmm, these were the kind of things that I was hoping to avoid thinking about for my birthday. Ah well, maybe it's healthy to think about these kind of thing. It's enough to bring even the largest ego down a few notches. So, here's to you Hollywood stars and starlets. Perhaps someone should print out a copy of this post and show it to you.

Musings of a High School Senior

I had briefly considered using this blog solely for poetry, but today has made me throw that idea out of the window. I have twenty-five days till my last day of school and thirty-one till my graduation.Another important thing to remember is my birthday thirteen days away. When I think about the typical seventeen year old high school senior, I picture a lazy kid who goofs off to much, has the perverted mind of a twelve year old, and is falling behind in his studies due to a bad case of senioritis, especially this close to the end of school. Looking at myself however, I see someone different.

I see a boy afraid to grow into a man.

I see someone who is tired of the immaturity and stupidity of high school, but is deathly afraid to move on with life.

I see a boy faced with the realization that things aren't okay like they used to be. Perhaps they never were okay, but he was just to sheltered to notice.

Most of all, I see someone faced with the overwhelming immensity of life. College is quickly making it's way here. Plans are falling through. Friends are leaving. People who were once friends are burning the bridges that got them through high school. The most treacherous and cut-throat time of my life is drawing to a close. From here on out I'm the one responsible for my mistakes. I'm the one who takes care of myself. Sure, my parents will be around if I ever truly need them, but unfortunately, I'm too proud to admit to them I'm terrified. Growing up is a daunting task that all but rich heirs and heiresses have to deal with. Where are my millionaire parents?

I'd say unfortunately they aren't here but it's not really unfortunate. The ones who aren't forced to grow up at some point are crippled for the rest of their lives. They'll lead a hollow existence and never truly accomplish a thing. So, perhaps it's a good thing I'm going to have to fend for myself. Everyone but the heir and heiresses face growing up. It must not be too bad because I see plenty of adults walking around. I know I'll get through it, but that doesn't stop the fear. Then again, isn't that what courage is? Having fear but still moving forward despite it? I will survive as I have for the past nearly eighteen years. I will grow up, get married, have kids, grow old, and live a long happy life. In that time I'll go to college, have a successful career, and leave a lot for my children and their children. Maybe it won't exactly happen like that, but that's what I'm aiming for and God help the one who tries to get in the way of that.

Stargazing

Stars dot the midnight sky

A cool breeze through my hair

A star shoots across

Another follows

A game of cosmic tag

To hold my

Fancy

Two eyes dart across the universe

One mind trying to keep count

Failure is inevitable

But isn't that what life is all about

Even if failure seems eminent

You keep going just like

That

Lightning bugs slowly paint the air

Their light bringing a lovely glow

an attention diverted to the wonder of

Life

So many things coming together as one

Astronomical odds resulting in us all

From the lightning bugs to me

All that was and all that

Is

Some may think these fancies are

Far too advanced for someone my age

The pondering of life depresses some

All it does is fascinate me

The wonders of life are all, well,

Wonderful