Here We Are Again

Its 4 A.M. and once again sleep has eluded me. I did the dishes, took out the trash, swept and mopped, then sat down and watched a movie. Still wide awake. Today was a difficult day.

Rob came and picked me up and I stayed the night there. I suppose this would be two nights ago now. He told me he missed me, how he realized how much of an idiot he had been and how he needed me to go with him. I told him id need to think about it and we'd have to talk about things. A few cigarettes and me taking care of him (forcing him to eat some bread and drink some water due to heat induced nausea) later we slept. I took the couch, he took the bed.

He didnt offer to have me sleep on the bed with him. I mean, it makes sense. Its A small bed. If we cuddled though we could have made it work. I wouldn't have done it though. I'm tired of being treated like a yo-yo. In the end all I am for him is a friend he can use to scratch an itch his female fiance can't ever reach. That and a safety net he can land in whenever things get too rough.

I drove home the next morning because he was too tired to drive. Neither of us had gotten much sleep. I'm used to it though. On the drive there we did a little talking punctuated by long minutes of silence. I told him no. I can't go with him. Not only would it be difficult for me to afford, the emotional trauma id face being in love with him and seeing him run back to her after every time we touch would kill me. Although I didn't tell him that part. I can't bring myself to hurt him.

He broke down into tears, told me again how much he needed me, how much he needed his best friend. That stung. We were more than that once. I guess its time for me to let go. I just don't know how.

Now I lay in bed wondering if there ever was a time when I really was happy. Sure, there are moments when a fleeting happiness strikes me, but there always seems to be some lingering sadness or doubt somewhere in the back of my head. I see people all around me all the time and I wonder if they feel it too or if I'm just crazy. My mind is self destructive and I hate it. I need therapy, but from experience therapy only works as long as you remain going and life long therapy sessions is not something I look forward too. Neither does my wallet.

And how would that look? As if I didn't have enough working against me already. I suppose actually going to a therapist takes it from wondering if I'm crazy to really being crazy. It makes it real. And who wants to be with some crazy guy? I mean think about it. If you found out someone you were considering dating had regular therapy sessions you'd be running for the hills. Crazy isn't attractive. Well, I guess Rob would beg to differ.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

Have you ever heard the saying that goes, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade'? What do you do when, instead of just giving you lemons, it starts pelting rotten lemons at you? What happens when so much happens to you that you start to feel like some soap opera producer is the one writing out your life, or you feel like your life would make millions if displayed as the next big reality show. Let me go over the events that have happened since May.

It all started with getting this new, amazing, job that pays more than I've ever made before. Because I was making so much money, I got an apartment my roommates and I could just barely afford. Then, the week after moving in, we all got strep throat. My roommate and I worked together, both missed work because of it, and lost our jobs.

Then, the guy I was dating just up and disappeared. It was his way of dumping me. I went through a couple of of jobs and fell even more behind in the bills. Then the most incredible man I've ever met walks in to my life. I couldn't help but fall hopelessly in love with him. He isn't perfect. Far from it in fact, but to me he was perfect. And he paid attention to me. In a time when shit was all going wrong, he was there and made things okay. We became more than friends.

I worked a couple of more odd jobs but still kept falling more and more behind on bills. We were going to lose the apartment and there was nothing we could do. Then, he breaks up with me. His ex-girlfriend, who by everything he told me was bat shit crazy, found out we were dating and flipped out. Apparently he never ever exactly told her she was an ex.

He then goes down to California and I lose all contact with him for a week. I worry sick, hoping he's okay. Then, he comes back suddenly and says he needs me to go to the hospital with him. She gave him herpes. And hes now engaged to her. This is the woman who gave him herpes and in the past has cheated on him and lied to him, saying that she was on the pill, just to get pregnant and trap him in a relationship.

She got an abortion and was literally sent away to the crazy house. But now he's engaged to her because he thinks he loves her and he thinks he might have a happy life with her. And he thinks he could never be with anyone else because he has herpes. But, still I remain, the best friend who is hopelessly in love. He then goes back and forth trying to decided if he should stay with her. He chooses her and decides to move to California for school and stay there. With her. The kicker? He wants me to go with him. I stupidly say yes.

I begin to prepare to move to California. I lose the job I was working because they found out through a friend who used to work there that my ex got herpes. I became a liability so I got fired. We are also still having sex. Then, all of a sudden, he explodes on me. He said I was using him for his money, I was lazy, I was this and that and all this bullshit and he didn't even want to be friends anymore, let alone have me go with him.

We get things settled and we remain friends. Things are back on track. I make the final preparations to leave. Then. He decides we should still be friends, but he doesn't want me to go anymore. Since he'll have her, He doesn't need me there. That's when I realize he's just been using me. I was just something to take the edge of his sexual frustration.

Now, here I sit, about to shower so him and I can go to dinner one last time. I move back in with my mom tomorrow and its the last time I'm ever going to see him. Yet, despite all of this pain, the drama, the completely ludicrous events....I still love him. I'll still worry about him every day. I'll still think about him.

How is that for one hell of a rotten lemon?

I'm taking a hiatus from the world for a while. I have responsibilities that I Will still take care of, such as the ones with the center, but after the concert next Saturday you guys won't be hearing from me for a while. This last year has been the hardest I've had to endure and Im starting to get to the point where I feel like Im drowning, like there is no way out, and its putting me in a place I haven't been to in years. Its a place a lot of people don't make it out of. The way I'm feeling is starting to scare me and so I need to take some time away and make sure I'm okay. Some of you might think this is due to a recent event, and I can tell you now that yes, it is a small part of it, but its only the straw that's breaking the camel's back. From homelessness, to losing jobs, to drowning in debt, to loved ones dying, to possibly facing eviction and homelessness again. This last year has been difficult to say the least. I'm babbling, I know, but I just wanted you guys to know why I'm gonna be gone. Most of you probably won't read this, but thank you to the ones that do. I know that there aren't a lot of true friends in this world, but there are a few of you who I know Will read this and I just want you to know that you guys have been the light that has kept me going for as long as I have. Thank you.

The Epic of Mira Star

My skin baked as the first of the fire bombs erupted a thousand feet from me. The screaming of a village of people was overwhelmed by the whooshing of the flames that now burned their village to the ground. Very few villagers had made it to safety before the flames erupted. Those that managed to make it out, I knew, wouldn't survive the next five minutes.

I glanced to the sky, sensing the ship flying overhead. My eyes followed the path of another of the fire bombs. It fell quickly. Too quickly. It was as if, instead of just dropping it from their bomb bay, the Mandalorians had propelled it into the ground. It wouldn't have surprised me really.

A sense of peace overtook me as I watched the bomb grow closer and closer, the Mandalorian cruiser speeding off into the distance, presumably to raze another village. My vision blurred and I saw a flash of burning flames, melting sand, shining glass, a desolate wasteland. Duros would be no more after this battle. I shook my head as the bomb hit the ground before me and flames enveloped my body.

----

The scream died in my throat as I opened my eyes and saw my surroundings. It had been just another nightmare, just another phantom gripping hold of my mind. Sweat drenched the underclothes I wore and dampened the sheets and pillows of the bed I was laying in.

I shook my head slightly, trying to rid myself of the visions of a burning Duros, rid myself of the feeling that my skin burned along with it. My hands trembled slightly as I got out of bed and walked across the empty room to the small refresher.

You would think a full sized Republic Cruiser would at least sport full sized refreshers for the rooms. I shrugged my shoulder as I splashed some cold water on my feverish skin. Guess they don't care much for their soldier's comfort.

The ground lurched beneath me, causing me to grab hold of the refresher so as not to fall. Immediately following the lurch sirens began wailing all around. What the hell was going on?

In between the wailing of the sirens I heard heavy footfalls and the sound of the room's door opening. Instinctively I reached down to my waist to grab hold of my blaster. That was when I remembered I had stored all my clothing and weapons in the durasteel container near my bed.

Luckily, I didn't need the weapons. The form of my bunk mate, Trask, rushed into the room. I heaved a sigh of relief at that. Something was obviously going on which meant I needed my weapons and armor, and quickly.

I rushed over to the durasteel container and reached in, grabbing hold of my armour and my belt, containing my two heavy blasters and a small medpac. The armour had been heavily used when I purchased it from a merchant on my travels along the Outer Rim long ago. It had deep gashes in some sections as if someone had hacked away at it with a vibrosword. Since I made my repairs though, the armour was strong enough to withstand a few blows from a lightsaber, should the need arise. I started putting it all on as I turned toward Trask. "What the hell is going on, Ulgo?"

His face was stark white with fear. The ship lurched again, causing me to collapse onto the bed and him to fall over into a desk. When the tremors subsided I rose again and finished securing my armour and weapons. He too rose and headed over to me. "The Sith are attacking the ship. They're here for Bastilla."

I cursed. It figures that the first mission I get working under The Republic would throw me into a fight with the Sith. All we were supposed to do was sit in orbit around Taris, keep an eye on the planet for a few weeks. Occasionally we were to send patrols down to assist the Tarisian government in quelling the race riots slowly taking over the planet.

"We need to get moving to the escape pods," he said. I looked at him in surprise. He nodded gravely. If we were heading to the escape pods, that meant that the Sith had overrun the ship and that there was no chance of the ship surviving. I cursed again. "Lets go."

Big Time Scandal: Chapter Five

February 17th, 2012
11:36 PM

I wasn't sure how long the three of us had walked before arriving at our destination. Logan took us through some secret 'Performers Only' exit near the far edge of the backstage area. From there we weaved our way through a dizzying maze made of plain white walls.

Frankly, it wasn't all that bad though. I found my eyes lowering repeatedly to rest on Logans's wonderful behind as he walked. Whenever I caught myself doing it I mentally slapped myself. Staring at his assets would only get me in trouble. And getting used to staring at them would only suck when this meet-and-greet was over.

After the monotonous white walled maze we emerged into the shopping section of Planet Hollywood. I gazed longingly into store after store as we walked. Being broke most of my life meant I rarely found myself in shops like those. Even when I did, it was never to buy anything. No, it was usually to accompany the occasional friend who had saved up some cash and wanted to splurge.

Before I knew it the shops had faded away and gave way to a beautiful lobby. A security guard nodded at Logan then glared at us as we made our way to the elevators.

"Well....the staff certainly seems to enjoy accommodating fans," I muttered quietly. Logan glanced back and frowned. He looked over at the security guard for a moment, seeming to try and decide whether or not he should say something.

After a moment though, he just looked at me and flashed me an apologetic look. I instantly melted beneath his chocolate gaze.

"Uh....James?" I snapped out of the daze I was in and looked over toward Stella. She was already standing in the elevator alongside Logan, and I stood there like an idiot with a dumb look on my face.

I blushed scarlet and muttered an apology. Logan smiled and shook his head as I took my spot in between the two. The doors slid silently closed and began rising. I glanced at the spot where the buttons usually were but found the panel blank.

My confusion must have been evident because Logan laughed. "V.I.P.'s only," he said smiling. I didn't think I would ever get tired of seeing that dimple. Who would?

After a moment the doors slid open to reveal a gorgeous entry way. It consisted of marble, statues, marble, flowers and marble. Did I forget to mention marble? The smoky gray kind.

That was really all I noticed though before Logan walked out of the elevator, faced us and held his arms out. "Welcome to the Planet Hollywood Penthouse Suite!"