A Short Story

Jackson sighed heavily as he rubbed the fatigue from his eyes. He opened them once more to find that they were still tired and the book before him still wasn't making any sense to him. The twenty year old college student had been sitting in the same spot in the library for over six hours now. If it weren't for the fact he was an Honors College student, they probably would have kicked him out hours ago. He reached his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone. In the corner of the screen the time read 2:27 AM. He also had six text messages waiting for him. He had placed his phone on silent hours ago because the constant vibration of people bothering him had gotten on his nerves. He groaned slightly and rubbed his eyes once more. He wanted to go home so bad, but he really needed to keep studying. He had an exam in two day's time and it was going to be the hardest one of all his classes. He grimaced as he tried to remember what in the hell had possessed him to take Calculus four in the first place.

His grimace broke into a small grin as a face swam into his thoughts. Beautiful warm chocolate brown eyes set beneath a heavy, brooding, brow, a perfectly sculpted nose and high cheek bones, a strong chin, and full and sinfully luscious lips; it was the face of an angel. Jason was the most gorgeous man Jackson had ever met and ever since their first meeting almost four years ago, Jackson had been helpless before the man's God-like features. His grin widened as he thought about that first meeting. It was almost like a dream.

Jason had transfered to Manzonita Prep during the middle of Jackson's junior year. Him and his parents had moved to New Mexico from Mississippi because Jason's father had been transfered to the new paper mill opening in Hobbs. However, the family had no desire to live in the main part of the city, so they moved to the outskirts, right next to Manzonita Prep. Because Jason's father had be promoted to manager of the new plant, they were able to afford the tuition costs for the private high school.

Jackson was one of the popular boys in school, and not yet out of the closet, so he heard all the best gossip before anyone else. That Sunday, he received a call from one of his best friends. He wasn't able to get everything she said, because she was talking so fast, but he did pick up that a new kid had moved to the town and was starting at Manzonita the following day. He also heard her use to the word gorgeous at least six times. So, the next morning, when Jackson arrived at school, he went searching for this new boy. It wasn't until his second class of the day (Algebra II) that he was able to find him.

Jason walked into class late, causing every single head to turn and see him. Jackson could hardly believe his eyes. The new kid was far too gorgeous to be real. After taking a moment to pick his jaw up off the floor, Jackson realized that the only empty seat in the class was right next to him. The teacher gestured to the seat and Jason sat. Up close he was even more smoking hot. Jackson turned in his seat, smiled, and offered his hand. "Jackson May," he said. Jason had seemed almost startled at first, but quickly recovered and grasped his outstretched hand. Even to this day Jackson could remember how massive Jason's hands had seemed. They were huge, pssessive, and manly.

"Jason Marx," he had said, offering his own dimpled smile. Jackson smiled to himself as he thought about how close they had become after that. Apparently since his arrival people had completely left him out and had taken to staring and whispering whenever he walked by. Jackson had been the first person to really approach him. Because of that, they became close friends, and befor he knew it, Jason was one of the popular kids too, with Jackson's help of course.

The year went by in a flash and before he realized it, the summer had arrived and Jason was headed back to Mississippi to spend it with family. A lot had happened that summer and when he came back to Manzonita, things had changed. In the span of three months, Jackson had basically been shunned by most of the school because he decided that it was time to come out of the closet. He grew tired of living a lie. He held hope though, that when Jason got back, things would be fine and eveyone would look past it and still see he was the same guy. However, when Jason returned, he treated Jackson like all the rest.....and their friendship had ended.

Jackson's smile faded and his eyes burned. He could still feel the stinging betrayal of it all. Despite that, he still couldn't find it within himself to get over Jason. After graduation, they both decided to stay and go to the local college. They had had at least one class with each other each semester since then. In the current semester, they shared three out of five, Calculus four being one of them. Hell, it was the only reason Jackson had even taken the stupid class. He regretted it completely. Since the beginning of the semester he had been studying his ass off and was only just barely passing.

Jackson looked down at his phone as he checked the text messages. Most of them were from either Facebook or Twitter. The last though, was from his boyfriend. "Braking up wit U. Tird of dealin wit U. Cum get ur shit in morn." He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw as he read the words he had been waiting for for weeks. He knew that it was only a matter of time before it happened. They had been on the rocks for over a month now, but knowing it was coming still didn't stop the hurt. Apparently, he didn't even deserve a correctly spelled text message. Tears stung his eyes as he shoved his phone in his pocket, shut his Calculus book, threw it in his bag, and headed out of the library. He needed to be someplace where he wouldn't have to deal with people, and the glaring librarian was not someone he wanted to have witness his break down.

He was barely out of the building before the tears started falling. They had been together nearly a year. It was the longest relationship he had ever had, and he had foolishly thought that it would last. He poured his heart and soul into that relationship, but it just wasn't good enough....he wasn't good enough. Jackson sat down on the curb just outside the building as a sob escaped. Why wasn't he good enough? What could he have done different to make it work? Where had he done wrong?

In the end, it really didn't matter. What was done was done and he couldn't go back and fix it. Even if he could go back, part of him wouldn't have let him waste the energy on trying to fix it. Jason's face swam into his thoughts again as he thought about what he really wished he could go back and fix. If only he hadn't come out of the closet, maybe Jason and him would still be friends. Maybe he would be somewhere completely different. Maybe he'd be happy.

Another sob racked him as he buried his head in his hands. The cold nipped at him through his coat. He had foolishly left his gloves at home because he didn't think he was going to stay late enough to really need them. He clenched his fist, pulling his hair while he did it and sobbed again. "Why wasn't I good enough? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I just be fucking happy?"

The sound of heavy footfalls came from his left. He tried to best to quiet his sobs and unclenched his fists. The footsteps slowed nonetheless and eventually came to a complete stop right behind him. "Can I help you," he asked wetly, not bothering to see who the person was. A moment of silence passed before the person spoke up. "Are....are you okay, Jackson?" His heart stopped for a fraction of a second as he glanced up in alarm. Sure enough, his ears hadn't heard wrong. There stood Jason, covered from head to toe with only his face visible.

"J-Jason? W-What are you doing here at this hour?" Jackson couldn't hide his shock any more than he could hide the tears that were still wet on his cheek or the red of his eyes. He could see the indecision in Jason's eyes. It was almost as if he were deciding if he should just keep running, or continue with talking. He closed his eyes for a moment and sighed before answering. "I'm jogging. I usually do around this time. The streets are mostly deserted so I get some peace and quiet." Jason's bass filled voice sent shivers down his spine and almost made him completely forget about why he had been crying. "But, that doesn't answer my question, Jackson."

His eys fell to the ground as he turned his head back around and looked out over the nearly empty parking lot. He collected his thoughts a moment before he answered. His words came slow, reluctant, as if he really didn't want to be discussing it, which, truthfully, he didn't. "No....I'm not okay." He paused again before looking up at Jason once more. "But why do you care? You said a word to me in nearly three years. Why start talking now?" He couldn't help but let a little venom escape in his words. The betrayal still hurt, after all.

Jason clenched his jaw and that indecision appeared once more. He looked away and closed his eyes before taking a few steps. Jackson's heart sank as he turned back toward the parking lot, more tears stinging his eyes. "I'm sorry," Jason said. Jackson turned to find Jason only a few steps away, facing him once more.

"Mind if I sit," he asked, gesturing to the space next to him. Jackson shrugged and muttered, "Free country I guess." A small chuckle escaped Jason's throat as he took a seat.

They were both silent for a few minutes before Jackson decided to break it. "Why did you do it," he asked, pain evident in his voice. Jason didn't answer immediately. Instead he pulled his beanie off and ran his hands through his dark hair. "What did you expect me to do, Jackson? I mean," he paused and looked over at him. "I was just starting to fit in. I was a kid from a small town and I had no one here. People were starting to like me. People were starting to be my friends." He stopped again and looked out over the semi deserted parking lot. "You had everything," he began again. "You could have had any girl in the school you wanted. Everyone knew who you were, and you were talking to me. I was just the new kid and you introduced me to everyone. You made me popular. You made sure everyone knew who I was....."

"But you had to throw that away," he said, anger in his voice. "I came back from Mississippi to find that everything was different. Everyone avoided you like you had the plague. Had I tried to help you, they would have avoided me too....I would have been just as alone as you and I didn't want that. I was tired of having to live like that, Jackson."

A wet chuckle escaped Jackson's throat. "You were my best friend, and you deserted me when I needed you the most. I couldn't even talk to my own family. You're right, I was alone, but you could have changed that. At least we would have had each other. But no. Instead, you chose them, when I was the one who showed you that world." He paused for a minute before he pulled up his left sleeve and shoved it in front of Jason's face. A bright white and nasty looking scar ran up the under side of his arm.

"Summer after senior year, I tried to kill myself. Not only had I lost every friend I had ever know...my family shunned me....I dealt with the hatred of close minded homophobes every single day. My sister was the one to walk in and find me. She called the ambulance that saved my life. I later came to find out that she had hoped that being so close to god would have made me see the error in my hellish ways. When I was still gay, she told me she wished she would have let me bleed out."

Jackson turned his head to look at Jason, who had his eyes closed and his jaw clenched tight, head hanging low. A small chuckled escaped him again. "And you know what keeps me going? God, I'm such a fucking idiot. The only thing that keeps me going anymore is how my heart soars whenever I see you in class. Damnit, I've tried to stop it, but I can't. Whenever I see your face, I can't help but smile. Whenever you walk through the door, my heart flutters and the pain goes away. But, you don't ever even give me another look. Fuck.....I'm in love with the straight guy that betrayed me...." He looked away from Jason as more tears escaped his eyes.

In an instant, Jackson was standing and walking toward his car. He couldn't deal with this anymore. He needed to just get away and stop thinking. He needed to stop his brain from moving so he could be calm and rest. He ran to his car and fished the keys out of his pocket, unlocking the door and getting in after he did. He set his head on the steering wheel as he shoved the key in the ignition and started the car. The radio started quietly playing. A light knocking to his right caused him to look up to find Jason standing at the passenger side window. Jackson clenched his jaw and closed his eyes as he decided what to do. Against his better judgement, he pressed the controls for the lock and unlocked the door. Jason opened it and got in.