Self Realization

We all reach a certain point in our lives, at one time or another, when we realize that we aren't at all where we imagined we'd be. Perhaps saying all is a bit presumptious, but the statement still stands. I'd like to think that even the rich and famous are at different places in their lives than they could have imagined.

When I was younger, I saw a lot of things for my future. In elementary school, I wanted to grow up to be a Marine Biologist, because I loved fish and I loved to swim. In middle school, that changed. I remember giving a report in seventh grade about wanting to be a Geneticist. In eight grade, that changed to wanting to be a rock star. My freshman year, I start to think seriously at my future, but, I still managed to hold on to those dreams. At that point in time I wanted to find myself on Broadway one day, or maybe becoming a professional singer, even if I wasn't rocking out on stage. Then, I wanted to be a massage therapist, a dream which, admitedly, I haven't completely forgotten and still consider from time to time. Now, I want to find myself at the front of a class room, teaching young people the joys of the written language. After that, I'd like to retire from teaching and become a jovial librarian, helping children and adults find new joys in books.

I look back to how I was all those years ago and where I am now and it makes me think. I remember telling myself vehemently that I would never ever become a teacher, because then I'd have to deal with all the jerk students. Hell, even in second grade when I thought that I wasn't an average child. I never once said that a teacher acted the way he or she did just because she was mean. I always looked at how the students treated them first. Okay, maybe I thought my third grade teacher was a bitch who was out to get me (and really she was), but that is beside the point.

Hmm, this isn't at all turning out like I had planned it in my head, but no matter. The point is, we rarely ever find ourselves where we once imagined. I think about how, just a year ago, I thought I'd be in college and succeeding and living a happy life. However, I find my situation is different. I find myself still living with my mom who, though I love her to death, drives me insane sometimes. I'm still visiting my hypocritical father on the weekends. I don't have many close friends.

The fact of the matter is, lately, I've felt very alone. I know I have a man who loves me, but sometimes, that doesn't comfort me. I know it should, but it doesn't. I just feel like sometimes, no one really gives a shit about what I think. I have all these people that call me a friend but when I think about it, I don't really know anybody all that well anymore, save my boyfriend of course. I look at the people I call my best friends and find myself wondering how they could act like they do, or what they're thinking sometimes. It's disconcerting not to feel connected with anyone anymore. Frankly, it's lonely as hell and I hate it.

Last night, I found myself staring up at the sky, focusing on the few stars I can see in this city, and just thinking about life. Staring up into that mostly empty sky has a way of making you feel insignificant, like nothing you say or do really matters. We live, we die, and then life goes on.

Eh, perhaps these are just the thoughts of a semi-depressed and exauhsted teenager. Maybe I just need to go to bed and forget about it. Unfortunately, no matter how hard I try to forget, these thoughts always come back in the end.

I know that I have people who care about me, people who do care what I have to say. I know that. However, most of the time, the heart and the mind are bitter enemies. Eh, I'm ending this here. My mind is too tired to contemplate anything right now.